Sunday, October 02, 2005

You could already be a winner!

How many times have you taken a call to another church . . . only to find (as Milton Adams put it) that “it may be a different can, but it’s the same old worms”?

That’s why I’ve put together this questionnaire. Any church that’s interested in giving me a call . . . just fill it out, send it in along with a $20 bill, and then we’ll talk.

Ready? Grab a #2 pencil, and start writing!

1. The last pastor of your church [circle all that apply]:
a. was a saint, no matter what the Grand Jury might have said!
b. retired, and now chairs the Church Board.
c. was doing fine, right up to the day he showed up at a Business Meeting wearing high heels and an evening gown.
d. disappeared – and while we don’t really miss him, we do wish he’d come back and show us how to run the church copier.

2. If your church was a TV show, which of the following would it be?
a. Fear Factor
b. Survivor
c. Desperate Housewives
d. Gilligan’s Island

3. Which statement best describes the way your church makes decisions?
a. We have a small group of key people who make all the decisions (whether the rest of us like it or not).
b. We wait until things reach a crisis; then panic.
c. We’ve formed a committee to answer this question – let us get back to you on that.
d. We favor an open-style of decision-making that doesn’t really accomplish anything, but it does make us all feel included.

4. Based on the way your church spends money, what are its real priorities?
a. We’re a historical preservation society that’s dedicated to the maintenance of our church building.
b. We like our peace and quiet; if somebody squawks, we just keep throwing money at them until they shut up.
c. Actually, we’re still trying to figure out where all the money went.
d. One of our previous pastors helped us develop a “mission and goals statement” that we used to set financial priorities. Now if we could just remember where we put it . . .

5. The youth of your church are:
a. Mainly attending another church.
b. The future of our church – but meanwhile, they need to learn the meaning of “reverence.”
c. Largely the concern of an elderly couple who's been working in the Youth Department for 47-years, and has some real issues with co-dependency.
d. We need to talk about this later. In private.

6. When you hear the word “evangelism,” your first reaction is to:
a. Set aside an afternoon to pass out leaflets door-to-door.
b. Take note of which evening they’ll talk about “the mark of the beast,” so that you can be sure to invite all of your Catholic relatives.
c. Schedule a four-week vacation.
d. Suspect that the pastor is using this an excuse to change the Order of Worship and bring in a "celebration" type worship service.

7. We sure hope that our new pastor:
a. Enjoys working with plumbing -- and if he knows how to install drywall, that's a bonus!
b. Straightens out the following people [supply names here]:
c. Does not use words like “paradigm shift,” “emergent,” and “post-modern.”
d. Desn't change a thing – in fact, we've a list of recent changes that we want him to un-do!

BONUS QUESTION: When was the last time somebody got food poisoning at one of your church potlucks?

Pastor Greg

And remember: "The more difficult it is to follow God in any set of circumstances, the greater the obligation to remain in those circumstances" -- William Barclay.

1 comment:

answer-man said...

ps I'm having a little trouble sending comments so if I do it twice please excuse me and I apologize.